LEARNING TO RECEIVE
The Journey That Brought Me to Healing
When My Body Said No
I was 26 years old when I first sat in on a second-year anatomy class. I remember knowing, almost instinctively, that this was where I was supposed to be. I had always felt drawn to hands-on healing. There was something about the idea of using my hands to help another person feel better, to ease pain, to create relaxation, to bring someone back into connection with their body, that felt deeply aligned with who I was. But then I learned something that stopped me in my tracks.
As part of the program, we would have to practice on one another. We would have to touch and be touched. And I couldn't do it. Not because I didn't want to become a healer. Not because I didn't believe in the work. But because, at that point in my life, I wasn't in a place where I could safely receive touch.
My body knew something my mind was still trying to understand.
I had experienced childhood trauma, and although I had spent years learning how to function, cope, and move forward, there were places within me that were still guarded. Touch didn't necessarily feel safe. Vulnerability didn't necessarily feel safe. Receiving from another person didn't feel safe. And I didn't understand then how profoundly that would shape my relationship with healing.
Finding My Way Back
I left that path for many years. But the desire to become a hands-on healer never really left me. Years passed. And so did a lot of healing.
I spent many years in therapy, doing the inner work, learning about my nervous system, my boundaries, my body, and the ways that trauma can stay with us long after the original experiences are over. I also explored spiritual healing and began reconnecting with parts of myself that I had learned to protect, suppress, or disconnect from.
Slowly, something began to change.
Learning to Receive
I began learning that receiving wasn't weakness. That allowing someone to support me didn't mean I was giving away my power. That I could have boundaries and still be open. That I could say yes. That I could say no. That I could change my mind. That I could receive touch without abandoning myself. And perhaps most importantly, I learned that safe touch feels different.
There is a profound difference between touch that takes and touch that offers. Between touch that crosses a boundary and touch that honours one. Between feeling like something is being done to you and feeling like someone is creating space with you.
Eventually, I found my way back to the path I had once stepped away from. And this time, I was different.
Becoming the Healer I Once Needed
I became an RMT. I continued learning about the body, healing, and the connection between our physical and emotional experiences. But my understanding of healing went far beyond anatomy textbooks. I knew what it was like to be the person lying on the table. The person who wanted to relax but couldn't. The person whose body needed support but whose nervous system didn't yet know how to trust it. The person who wanted to receive but didn't know how. And that experience has become an important part of the way I hold space for others.
You Don't Have to Be Ready to Receive Everything
If you've experienced trauma, difficult relationships, violation of boundaries, or simply spent years learning to protect yourself, receiving hands-on healing can feel incredibly vulnerable. You may feel anxious about being touched. You may feel uncomfortable being still. You may feel the need to stay in control. You may find yourself apologizing for your body. You may struggle to say what you need. Or you may desperately want nurturing and support while simultaneously feeling afraid of it.
There is nothing wrong with you. Your body may simply be trying to protect you in the only ways it learned how. Healing doesn't require you to force those protective responses away. It asks us to listen to them.
Healing Begins with Choice
At Soul Journeys, I believe healing begins with choice. You get to decide what happens to your body. You get to communicate your boundaries. You get to ask questions. You get to pause. You get to say no. You get to change your mind. And you never have to earn the right to feel safe.
There is No Right Way to Heal
For some people, receiving healing touch may be a beautiful and deeply restorative experience. For others, the first step may simply be sitting in a safe space and allowing yourself to be there without having to perform, explain, or hold everything together. There is no timeline. There is no right way to heal. And there is no expectation that you have to open before you're ready.
I know this because I was once the person who couldn't receive.
The 26-year-old woman sitting in an anatomy classroom, knowing in her heart that she was meant to become a hands-on healer, while simultaneously knowing that her own body wasn't ready to experience the vulnerability that came with it. I didn't know then that the detour was part of the journey. I didn't know that the years of therapy and spiritual healing would eventually change my relationship with touch. I didn't know that learning how to receive would become just as important as learning how to give. But now I understand.
Sometimes the Healer Has to Learn How to Be Held, Too.
And perhaps that is one of the greatest gifts I can offer another person: Not just my hands. Not just my knowledge. But an understanding of what it means to slowly, gently, and safely come home to your own body.
You Are Allowed to Receive
If you have ever struggled to receive touch, please know that you are not alone. You don't have to push yourself. You don't have to explain your story. And you don't have to be "healed enough" to receive healing. You can begin exactly where you are.
You are allowed to take your time.
You are allowed to have boundaries.
You are allowed to receive.
And when you're ready, this can be a safe place to begin.
Sarah
Registered Massage Therapist
Soul Journeys Restorative Healing